im sick right now :( im trying to sleep through a fever of 38.9 (102) but its not working, i cant quite get comfortable. ill spare you the gross details but i have been on my couch, on the bathroom floor and in my bed, and yet this damn thing is keeping me awake. And its moments like this (when im sick) that i start to remember how much life can change, and how ready and adaptive we have to be. i got some encouraging words the other day from a distant friend reminding me that part of getting through life is embracing it and loving it. tonight is reminding me of one moment that forced me to remember this.
just under two years ago, after i first moved out i got quite sick, much like i feel tonight (this morning). and it was in that moment that i realized what life is like when you are alone. sitting on the bathroom floor my head in my hands and shaking from the cold sweat of my fever, i was forced to realize that i am the only one who will take care of me. it was a very humbling and frightening experience, not because i was sick, but because i was forced to face it alone.
i guess its almost poetic that i have a night that reminds me of that, just when i am really starting to get anxious about life.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
my old habits...
i hate the way i interact with the world. im more and more frustrated with the way that i live my life, and not like im fake, or a jerk, or somebody who just blindly follows societies standard, but the way that i hide. i guess you could look at the fact that i am writing about this in a blog (probably one of the most detached - and there for current forms of communication) and say that i am right along with the way the world is... i dunno...
the other day there was a weird moment, and one that i have been terrified of: i couldnt walk into a room. i was attending a retirement party for somebody at the university that i have been working with in fairly close proximity, i could was so uncomfortable that i could not stay. its something that i thought was gone, my anxious uncertain attitude towards social situations. i mean something like that never goes away but you can get to a point where you can control it, and i thought i had... and then thursday comes and the closest that i could come to being in the room was twenty feet down the hall in the computer lab across from the party. i had people saying that they were going to make reference to me and thank me for my contribution to the event, and that they wanted me there when they did. and so i went back into the room... for a whole five seconds before running away again... it absurd, i am a recognized person within the room, people know who i am, why i am there, etc... and i hide in front of a computer screen within earshot so that i can slip in to be acknowledged by this person speech and then slip back out.
i just started to realize that i am so detached... i was never that attached to start with, so i shouldnt be so surprised, because i had my family and that was enough, but now i dont really have them. and yeah with my use of blogs, e-mail and the ever evil facebook i have my e-relationship to the world, but i am starting to be annoyed by it all. i am getting fed up with the way that we in the "age of communication" relate to each other, and how we somehow think its a worthy replacement for a hug, a cup of coffee and a conversation. i know its making me lonely... i guess i should say again; since the last time i couldnt walk into a room.
the other day there was a weird moment, and one that i have been terrified of: i couldnt walk into a room. i was attending a retirement party for somebody at the university that i have been working with in fairly close proximity, i could was so uncomfortable that i could not stay. its something that i thought was gone, my anxious uncertain attitude towards social situations. i mean something like that never goes away but you can get to a point where you can control it, and i thought i had... and then thursday comes and the closest that i could come to being in the room was twenty feet down the hall in the computer lab across from the party. i had people saying that they were going to make reference to me and thank me for my contribution to the event, and that they wanted me there when they did. and so i went back into the room... for a whole five seconds before running away again... it absurd, i am a recognized person within the room, people know who i am, why i am there, etc... and i hide in front of a computer screen within earshot so that i can slip in to be acknowledged by this person speech and then slip back out.
i just started to realize that i am so detached... i was never that attached to start with, so i shouldnt be so surprised, because i had my family and that was enough, but now i dont really have them. and yeah with my use of blogs, e-mail and the ever evil facebook i have my e-relationship to the world, but i am starting to be annoyed by it all. i am getting fed up with the way that we in the "age of communication" relate to each other, and how we somehow think its a worthy replacement for a hug, a cup of coffee and a conversation. i know its making me lonely... i guess i should say again; since the last time i couldnt walk into a room.
Monday, October 15, 2007
when does it stop?
what is the answer?
hows that for a bold opening question... but its the one that has been weighing on my mind. everyday i can name more injustices than reasons to continue, and everyday i question the very purpose of me... what am i here for?
i see people of tremendous faith and i have one overwhelming sentiment towards them: jealousy. it sounds silly, but for once in my life i want something that i can be blindly certain of. i want to be able to say that without the convincing evidence t the contrary i believe in something profound and meaningful. i have had faith before, only to see it broken... i have had love to see it torn away, friends to watch them fade and lose themselves, family to break and leave and die... i guess my struggle is as basic as anybodies when they are faced with mortality, morality, love... life.
i just wish that i could stop wondering.
everyday i see so many things that i wish i didnt; poverty, famine, destruction, anger and fear. people acting and living in our society that are so rash and so blind. it starts to creep into every thought and every emotion. how long can we live like this? do we really need to continue consuming and plundering for our own personal gain... i understand the feeling of comfort, i cannot complain about my life, i have never been privileged per-say... but i have definitely not been on the other extreme. but seeing the way that people think about our society and our world scares me, will we just continue to destroy our planet and each other until we cannot survive any longer? we enjoy so much technology and so much progress, but for what? our average life span currently sits in the 75 year range and i have to ask the question; do we really need to advance our society so much that we need more than 75 years? we can cure most diseases or at least treat them with almost certain effectiveness, we can communicate with those that we need and love no matter where they are, we can put more food on our tables than we need... so why cant everybody?
think about this: 50,000 dollars can buy a tractor and plow for a village in Africa so that they can farm more effectively and feed themselves. $15,000 can buy a village (or two) a well of clean drinking water... and we have to buy two $45,000 SUV's (per house) that pollute more, rather than the $20,000 fuel efficient car. and why, because its popular and makes us feel good. simple math time, $90k (2 suv's) - $40k (2 compact cars)... hell lets make it 1 20k car and a $250 bicycle... the difference:
$69,750
what is going to make you feel better? two SUV's... or a car, a bike and giving a village clean water and the ability to feed themselves - hell you will still have a little money left over to send your kids to college... or better yet give to a homeless shelter, invest in an environmental initiative...
i guess the world is making me more jaded, but at the moment i dont see much to have faith in... considering most driveways in my city have two SUV's in them.
hows that for a bold opening question... but its the one that has been weighing on my mind. everyday i can name more injustices than reasons to continue, and everyday i question the very purpose of me... what am i here for?
i see people of tremendous faith and i have one overwhelming sentiment towards them: jealousy. it sounds silly, but for once in my life i want something that i can be blindly certain of. i want to be able to say that without the convincing evidence t the contrary i believe in something profound and meaningful. i have had faith before, only to see it broken... i have had love to see it torn away, friends to watch them fade and lose themselves, family to break and leave and die... i guess my struggle is as basic as anybodies when they are faced with mortality, morality, love... life.
i just wish that i could stop wondering.
everyday i see so many things that i wish i didnt; poverty, famine, destruction, anger and fear. people acting and living in our society that are so rash and so blind. it starts to creep into every thought and every emotion. how long can we live like this? do we really need to continue consuming and plundering for our own personal gain... i understand the feeling of comfort, i cannot complain about my life, i have never been privileged per-say... but i have definitely not been on the other extreme. but seeing the way that people think about our society and our world scares me, will we just continue to destroy our planet and each other until we cannot survive any longer? we enjoy so much technology and so much progress, but for what? our average life span currently sits in the 75 year range and i have to ask the question; do we really need to advance our society so much that we need more than 75 years? we can cure most diseases or at least treat them with almost certain effectiveness, we can communicate with those that we need and love no matter where they are, we can put more food on our tables than we need... so why cant everybody?
think about this: 50,000 dollars can buy a tractor and plow for a village in Africa so that they can farm more effectively and feed themselves. $15,000 can buy a village (or two) a well of clean drinking water... and we have to buy two $45,000 SUV's (per house) that pollute more, rather than the $20,000 fuel efficient car. and why, because its popular and makes us feel good. simple math time, $90k (2 suv's) - $40k (2 compact cars)... hell lets make it 1 20k car and a $250 bicycle... the difference:
$69,750
what is going to make you feel better? two SUV's... or a car, a bike and giving a village clean water and the ability to feed themselves - hell you will still have a little money left over to send your kids to college... or better yet give to a homeless shelter, invest in an environmental initiative...
i guess the world is making me more jaded, but at the moment i dont see much to have faith in... considering most driveways in my city have two SUV's in them.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
And so i go...
well a week and a half in and i really feel proud of what ive done.
its been a long LONG time since ive really been able to say that, and it feels good. I have been able to fully commit to more than i would normally say im capable of, and some of the things that im taking on really are outside of my normal comfort zone.
Its really weird i think to the average person they would just read this and not really understand what this means for a person like me, who in the past, has been very hesitant and afraid of taking risks and even more afraid of the potential to fail at a task. So for me to be able to write those sentences above is really a big deal, its the first indication that i am actually pushing myself to be who i want to be, that i am becoming the individual that i want to be. Somebody who can challenge themselves and deal with the fear and anxiety that may come along with it...
it feels good.
its been a long LONG time since ive really been able to say that, and it feels good. I have been able to fully commit to more than i would normally say im capable of, and some of the things that im taking on really are outside of my normal comfort zone.
Its really weird i think to the average person they would just read this and not really understand what this means for a person like me, who in the past, has been very hesitant and afraid of taking risks and even more afraid of the potential to fail at a task. So for me to be able to write those sentences above is really a big deal, its the first indication that i am actually pushing myself to be who i want to be, that i am becoming the individual that i want to be. Somebody who can challenge themselves and deal with the fear and anxiety that may come along with it...
it feels good.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
im ready...
school starts tomorrow and i think im more prepared than i have been going into a new school year. well, sort of... i mean i am so disorganized when it comes to things like getting my books and supplies and the more material preparation but in my head.... i think im ready. I'm really hungry to get back at it, and really driven, its a confidence that i have not had all that often in my life and it feels great to have it. i had such a rocky summer and to come out at the end how i feel right now has shown me how much personal strength i can have when i need it the most. i dont want to sound like im cocky or over-confident or anything, because the strength i feel within myself is one of weakness too... i still feel so vulnerable and open to pain, but for one of the first times i am starting to understand how to use my pain and fear, to take it as a tool to push myself beyond a comfort zone. thats what i have been doing all summer long in my work for my student club, finding situations that are new and challenging and succeeding despite any initial fear. in my personal life, letting myself feel the pain and anger that i need to really look deeply at myself and push myself further, and again feeling some sort of success has helped to bolster my willingness to take on new things...
really thats the kind of self-consciousness that i have always tried for... and while i have begun to feel it i know that it is as tenuous as anything, so now the challenge is keeping this feeling of ability and using it even in the moments that i feel my weakest... and that is a challenge that i really am ready for...
really thats the kind of self-consciousness that i have always tried for... and while i have begun to feel it i know that it is as tenuous as anything, so now the challenge is keeping this feeling of ability and using it even in the moments that i feel my weakest... and that is a challenge that i really am ready for...
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