im using me...

i havnt felt like myself recently... its just this last week - thinking about various things - that ive started to figure out exactly why. looking over some of my old blogs, and then thinking my way through lonely nights and heart wrentching e-mails has really started to help me realize *deep breath*... that ive had a tough year. losing people important to me, saying goodbye to others that i wasnt ready to have leave, starting a voyage in life that i will never be really ready for...

in an e-mail i received in the last few weeks ago my ex challenged me; saying that i never talk about my goals and ambitions, goals and ambitions that i thought were clear through my actions and personality. thinking about that more, im ok with it. because in looking at myself i realized exactly what my goals in life are and started to understand that my actions are my way of talking about them. i dont need to go around proclaiming things that i think should be visible enough through what i do. the only thing that i can fault myself with was called out into the open by the same person; she confronted me one day saying that i dont trust my own skill and get discouraged too easily... after reflecting on these two very critical understandings, things that ive had to battle to see over the last year, ive started to look at my own actions over the last year.

in one of my classes this year we had a guest lecturer, an artist named Micah Lexier. during his lecture he said something to us that im really starting to appreciate; he said not to ignore the things that we think about now, not to discount the ideas that we explore with our art during school - because eventually we will start to think about them again. it may be from a different perspective, a more informed and wiser position that we approach these subjects in the future, but they will return. and thinking about the things that i have done this year im starting to notice a trend, a reoccuring theme in my work - identity. i know it sounds broad so ill try and bring it into a more specific area - everything that i have really had my heart behind this year, has had some tie to understanding yourself, understanding the surrounding people and places or understanding your emotions and actions.

one of the things that has really started to become evident for me is that over the last year i didnt put enough faith behind my own personal strength, my own artistic talent or my interpersonal skill. in a year where i am now seeing how much i could have grown as my own individual person, im starting to see how much i hid behind relationships and used them almost as a crutch for my weaker moments. i should not see the person that i am dating to be a part of me, that is until i am strong as my own individual and prepared to say "i do". and its funny that i didnt start to pick up on that earlier, most of my projects over the year reflected a high importance on taking the time to understand yourself, and get to know yourself... something i never did...

I'm Using You...

I have developed this really bad habit of ignoring reflection about my life when things are good and then starting to really look at myself when it gets bad. I doubt that is anything far from normal for the average person, but looking at my use of this space and the frequency that i use it just drives that point home. So as you can guess by the last two sentences things aren't going really that well right now, but that is hardly what i want to talk about, now that i've realized my selective blindness.

I have been more and more aware in the last while of how much selective blindness will eventually be the downfall of the planet, and the human race... I know it sounds almost doomsday over the top, but if you think about it - its true. Think about a major issue facing the planet right now... now when you are in a good stage of life how much do you think about it?!? HONESTLY?!? if you can say to yourself, or your loved ones, or your god that you DO TRULY think about it when your life is in a stable and prosperous time then you are better than me. I hate to see it and I'm starting to realize more and more everyday that vigilance is not a thing that comes with sorrow and worry. Many examples of this in my life are detectable, and while i have made certain lifestyle choices, there is always something that i can do better. Global warming - I could be better at recycling, more conscious of the products that i buy and the amount of packaging not to mention the way in which its made. On the plus side, I have chosen to not drive a car, I even choose more often than not to avoid any engine run vehicle all together. My diet is one that is less supportive of large meat producers and the feed lot industries, but i still have the problem of buying at a grocery store rather than a local market or organic store. so while i think my ecological foot print is already fairly small - there is always something more. Which leads me back to the issue of selective blindness; It doesn't matter if im happy and stable these small habits that i could live by could in some cases not only save me money, but improve the world around me.

this is kind of an aside, but if you want to really understand the ways in which buying locally can help to save the planet, watch the movie "Manufactured Landscapes" this will give you an amazing view of what it takes to get products that are mass produced in other countries to use, and the amount of process that could be removed. and then combine the information there with the scientific info in the movie "An Inconvenient Truth" and you will really start to see how big a difference the tiny little things can make.

anyways other things that i seem to take for granted are issues of Global, Humanitarian, Social, and Personal significance (I know those categories cover just about all the bases) But think about things like starving children, aids issues in africa, mistreated youths in south east asia, homeless and sick people in central and south america... Not to mention the number of needy people right here in my city. Now in my position as a student, my monetary flow is not exactly conducive to large donations of money to aid organizations, but I still have that one little comfort now and then (ill admit once or twice a week) that i really don't need. and that 5 - 10$ would be FAR FAR better spent both balancing my budget and helping somebody else who needs it... and for what? not buying my lunch one day a week? not getting a pop every couple days? drinking less alcohol (i know how can i even think that)...

The most shocking thing to me is that i have always been one of the few people visible in my circles that really took these things into account... So if i am so prone to these unforgivable lapses of vision, these unreasonable times of personal greed - clamoring to make my life happier with a coke, or a cd that i buy on a whim - what does that say about others?!? Not to sounds at all preachy but THIS IS EVERYBODY'S PROBLEM, so im not the only person that need to remove the blinders on occasion. Think what a difference it would make if everybody didn't drink that pop every day, or didn't go out for lunch - how much money there would be free to help those in need. 10$ a week doest seem like a lot, but over a year thats about $500 dollars per person... now how many people are in your office, class, or apartment building? think what it would mean if just one day a week you decided to take the bus to your friends house and spare another 15 min of your day rather than drive, or even better ride your bike?!? again one person it may not seem like much... but how many people are there in your class, office, or building?!?

SO HERE IS MY DECLARATION:

-I will limit myself to 1 lunch and 1 treat per week, and put a calculated difference aside for both my own benefit and that of an(some) organization(s) that can use the money more effectively

-I will continue to limit my use of fossil fuels by rollar-blading, boarding, or biking where ever i can and using the bus other times.

-I will try to buy local and organic food rather than GMO's from the grocery store.

-I will improve the recycling in not only my own home but as best i can in my classes and at school.

While visiting my friend in Ontario I saw a commercial on TV talking about living a "greener" life and there was one very moving quote that i have to pass on as something to think about (both as the children of a previous generation and as the generation coming up to parent hood)

"Many people say we pass the earth on to our children, But Some say we borrow it from them."