a scary moment.

im sick right now :( im trying to sleep through a fever of 38.9 (102) but its not working, i cant quite get comfortable. ill spare you the gross details but i have been on my couch, on the bathroom floor and in my bed, and yet this damn thing is keeping me awake. And its moments like this (when im sick) that i start to remember how much life can change, and how ready and adaptive we have to be. i got some encouraging words the other day from a distant friend reminding me that part of getting through life is embracing it and loving it. tonight is reminding me of one moment that forced me to remember this.

just under two years ago, after i first moved out i got quite sick, much like i feel tonight (this morning). and it was in that moment that i realized what life is like when you are alone. sitting on the bathroom floor my head in my hands and shaking from the cold sweat of my fever, i was forced to realize that i am the only one who will take care of me. it was a very humbling and frightening experience, not because i was sick, but because i was forced to face it alone.

i guess its almost poetic that i have a night that reminds me of that, just when i am really starting to get anxious about life.

my old habits...

i hate the way i interact with the world. im more and more frustrated with the way that i live my life, and not like im fake, or a jerk, or somebody who just blindly follows societies standard, but the way that i hide. i guess you could look at the fact that i am writing about this in a blog (probably one of the most detached - and there for current forms of communication) and say that i am right along with the way the world is... i dunno...

the other day there was a weird moment, and one that i have been terrified of: i couldnt walk into a room. i was attending a retirement party for somebody at the university that i have been working with in fairly close proximity, i could was so uncomfortable that i could not stay. its something that i thought was gone, my anxious uncertain attitude towards social situations. i mean something like that never goes away but you can get to a point where you can control it, and i thought i had... and then thursday comes and the closest that i could come to being in the room was twenty feet down the hall in the computer lab across from the party. i had people saying that they were going to make reference to me and thank me for my contribution to the event, and that they wanted me there when they did. and so i went back into the room... for a whole five seconds before running away again... it absurd, i am a recognized person within the room, people know who i am, why i am there, etc... and i hide in front of a computer screen within earshot so that i can slip in to be acknowledged by this person speech and then slip back out.

i just started to realize that i am so detached... i was never that attached to start with, so i shouldnt be so surprised, because i had my family and that was enough, but now i dont really have them. and yeah with my use of blogs, e-mail and the ever evil facebook i have my e-relationship to the world, but i am starting to be annoyed by it all. i am getting fed up with the way that we in the "age of communication" relate to each other, and how we somehow think its a worthy replacement for a hug, a cup of coffee and a conversation. i know its making me lonely... i guess i should say again; since the last time i couldnt walk into a room.

when does it stop?

what is the answer?

hows that for a bold opening question... but its the one that has been weighing on my mind. everyday i can name more injustices than reasons to continue, and everyday i question the very purpose of me... what am i here for?

i see people of tremendous faith and i have one overwhelming sentiment towards them: jealousy. it sounds silly, but for once in my life i want something that i can be blindly certain of. i want to be able to say that without the convincing evidence t the contrary i believe in something profound and meaningful. i have had faith before, only to see it broken... i have had love to see it torn away, friends to watch them fade and lose themselves, family to break and leave and die... i guess my struggle is as basic as anybodies when they are faced with mortality, morality, love... life.

i just wish that i could stop wondering.

everyday i see so many things that i wish i didnt; poverty, famine, destruction, anger and fear. people acting and living in our society that are so rash and so blind. it starts to creep into every thought and every emotion. how long can we live like this? do we really need to continue consuming and plundering for our own personal gain... i understand the feeling of comfort, i cannot complain about my life, i have never been privileged per-say... but i have definitely not been on the other extreme. but seeing the way that people think about our society and our world scares me, will we just continue to destroy our planet and each other until we cannot survive any longer? we enjoy so much technology and so much progress, but for what? our average life span currently sits in the 75 year range and i have to ask the question; do we really need to advance our society so much that we need more than 75 years? we can cure most diseases or at least treat them with almost certain effectiveness, we can communicate with those that we need and love no matter where they are, we can put more food on our tables than we need... so why cant everybody?

think about this: 50,000 dollars can buy a tractor and plow for a village in Africa so that they can farm more effectively and feed themselves. $15,000 can buy a village (or two) a well of clean drinking water... and we have to buy two $45,000 SUV's (per house) that pollute more, rather than the $20,000 fuel efficient car. and why, because its popular and makes us feel good. simple math time, $90k (2 suv's) - $40k (2 compact cars)... hell lets make it 1 20k car and a $250 bicycle... the difference:

$69,750

what is going to make you feel better? two SUV's... or a car, a bike and giving a village clean water and the ability to feed themselves - hell you will still have a little money left over to send your kids to college... or better yet give to a homeless shelter, invest in an environmental initiative...

i guess the world is making me more jaded, but at the moment i dont see much to have faith in... considering most driveways in my city have two SUV's in them.

And so i go...

well a week and a half in and i really feel proud of what ive done.

its been a long LONG time since ive really been able to say that, and it feels good. I have been able to fully commit to more than i would normally say im capable of, and some of the things that im taking on really are outside of my normal comfort zone.

Its really weird i think to the average person they would just read this and not really understand what this means for a person like me, who in the past, has been very hesitant and afraid of taking risks and even more afraid of the potential to fail at a task. So for me to be able to write those sentences above is really a big deal, its the first indication that i am actually pushing myself to be who i want to be, that i am becoming the individual that i want to be. Somebody who can challenge themselves and deal with the fear and anxiety that may come along with it...

it feels good.

im ready...

school starts tomorrow and i think im more prepared than i have been going into a new school year. well, sort of... i mean i am so disorganized when it comes to things like getting my books and supplies and the more material preparation but in my head.... i think im ready. I'm really hungry to get back at it, and really driven, its a confidence that i have not had all that often in my life and it feels great to have it. i had such a rocky summer and to come out at the end how i feel right now has shown me how much personal strength i can have when i need it the most. i dont want to sound like im cocky or over-confident or anything, because the strength i feel within myself is one of weakness too... i still feel so vulnerable and open to pain, but for one of the first times i am starting to understand how to use my pain and fear, to take it as a tool to push myself beyond a comfort zone. thats what i have been doing all summer long in my work for my student club, finding situations that are new and challenging and succeeding despite any initial fear. in my personal life, letting myself feel the pain and anger that i need to really look deeply at myself and push myself further, and again feeling some sort of success has helped to bolster my willingness to take on new things...

really thats the kind of self-consciousness that i have always tried for... and while i have begun to feel it i know that it is as tenuous as anything, so now the challenge is keeping this feeling of ability and using it even in the moments that i feel my weakest... and that is a challenge that i really am ready for...

i dont get me...

i know that im an emotional person, and as much as i try to hide it there are some days that just turn me inside out. its like every little thing suddenly has the emotional impact of a major life changing event... i have had days where a Tim Horton's commercial made me cry... today felt like one of those days.

i didn't actually cry over a Timmy Ho's moment, but i just kept getting choked over of silly shit. i don't get where it comes form, i mean like i said i am emotional person but why the hell do i spike from time to time?!? i know the obvious joke is that im a girl, or im pms-ing or something... but last time i check neither of those are true. the most annoying thing is i don't trust myself with anything on this kind of day, i tend to shut in and hide for the sake of not taking my shaken unstable sentiment out into the real world. So things that i mean to do, or should do get ignored...

i also cant express myself very well on these days, i've been having that problem a lot recently...

My act

Why is it so hard for me? I don't get it... its like i am incapable of doing more than 2, maybe 3 things at a time. But i have so many balls in the air that i just seem to keep forgetting to catch some. friends, work, moving, school, vsus, my art... etc... and every time i feel like something is going well i realize that i've dropped something else and its rolling away across the floor. and please don't point out that i'm trying to balance on teeter-totter of emotional (in)stability, because i already know. This feels like such an angst filled post but i don't know what more to say then that... maybe when i've relaxed a little and everything doesn't feel so distant ill have a little more to say.

A little more comfort?!?

i've decided that as terrible as it is; one of the most amazing times of life can be right after a break-up... do i have your eye-brows raised?!? :) but seriously if i look at my life i start to see trends, things that i have touched on briefly in my last couple posts, but in retrospect it is more and more obvious to me that the periods of the most personal growth and gain happen in those times when i am looking for who i am. i mean when you say it in a sentence like that it sounds really logical, and i guess it is, but its not a truth that you really want to acknowledge right? who wants to think that the most important times for them as an individual are the times when they feel lost and/miserable - NOBODY! i suppose that more than anything im starting to realize that is that same sense of purpose and understanding i have trough the hard times that i really need to carry across into the "good times". like i said in my last entry; i use relationships as a crutch to hobble past my problems and other times as a blindfold to ignore them...

this really makes me sound like i abuse my relationships and the people that they are with, and i have to say that is not true... i commit myself 100%, the problem is i start to forget myself - and THAT is my biggest problem. which in turn leads to more problems like letting myself get comfortable, losing imagination, losing interest, etc... and its those things that in the past have put the most strain on my relationships. its those things that i most want to get past.

all that being said, i am coming out of the "rough" portion of the last break-down and starting to be able to truly understand who i am, and who i need to stay if im going to be more successful both for myself professionally and scholastically. but most importantly not to lose sight of who i am just because i start to fall for somebody.

i hate to leave this entry on this note because i feel that ive made myself appear a lot less stable than i am, but i dont have anymore to say. im coming along, i will never totally stop being me, and i will never stop evolving and im finally getting comfortable with that reality.

im using me...

i havnt felt like myself recently... its just this last week - thinking about various things - that ive started to figure out exactly why. looking over some of my old blogs, and then thinking my way through lonely nights and heart wrentching e-mails has really started to help me realize *deep breath*... that ive had a tough year. losing people important to me, saying goodbye to others that i wasnt ready to have leave, starting a voyage in life that i will never be really ready for...

in an e-mail i received in the last few weeks ago my ex challenged me; saying that i never talk about my goals and ambitions, goals and ambitions that i thought were clear through my actions and personality. thinking about that more, im ok with it. because in looking at myself i realized exactly what my goals in life are and started to understand that my actions are my way of talking about them. i dont need to go around proclaiming things that i think should be visible enough through what i do. the only thing that i can fault myself with was called out into the open by the same person; she confronted me one day saying that i dont trust my own skill and get discouraged too easily... after reflecting on these two very critical understandings, things that ive had to battle to see over the last year, ive started to look at my own actions over the last year.

in one of my classes this year we had a guest lecturer, an artist named Micah Lexier. during his lecture he said something to us that im really starting to appreciate; he said not to ignore the things that we think about now, not to discount the ideas that we explore with our art during school - because eventually we will start to think about them again. it may be from a different perspective, a more informed and wiser position that we approach these subjects in the future, but they will return. and thinking about the things that i have done this year im starting to notice a trend, a reoccuring theme in my work - identity. i know it sounds broad so ill try and bring it into a more specific area - everything that i have really had my heart behind this year, has had some tie to understanding yourself, understanding the surrounding people and places or understanding your emotions and actions.

one of the things that has really started to become evident for me is that over the last year i didnt put enough faith behind my own personal strength, my own artistic talent or my interpersonal skill. in a year where i am now seeing how much i could have grown as my own individual person, im starting to see how much i hid behind relationships and used them almost as a crutch for my weaker moments. i should not see the person that i am dating to be a part of me, that is until i am strong as my own individual and prepared to say "i do". and its funny that i didnt start to pick up on that earlier, most of my projects over the year reflected a high importance on taking the time to understand yourself, and get to know yourself... something i never did...

I'm Using You...

I have developed this really bad habit of ignoring reflection about my life when things are good and then starting to really look at myself when it gets bad. I doubt that is anything far from normal for the average person, but looking at my use of this space and the frequency that i use it just drives that point home. So as you can guess by the last two sentences things aren't going really that well right now, but that is hardly what i want to talk about, now that i've realized my selective blindness.

I have been more and more aware in the last while of how much selective blindness will eventually be the downfall of the planet, and the human race... I know it sounds almost doomsday over the top, but if you think about it - its true. Think about a major issue facing the planet right now... now when you are in a good stage of life how much do you think about it?!? HONESTLY?!? if you can say to yourself, or your loved ones, or your god that you DO TRULY think about it when your life is in a stable and prosperous time then you are better than me. I hate to see it and I'm starting to realize more and more everyday that vigilance is not a thing that comes with sorrow and worry. Many examples of this in my life are detectable, and while i have made certain lifestyle choices, there is always something that i can do better. Global warming - I could be better at recycling, more conscious of the products that i buy and the amount of packaging not to mention the way in which its made. On the plus side, I have chosen to not drive a car, I even choose more often than not to avoid any engine run vehicle all together. My diet is one that is less supportive of large meat producers and the feed lot industries, but i still have the problem of buying at a grocery store rather than a local market or organic store. so while i think my ecological foot print is already fairly small - there is always something more. Which leads me back to the issue of selective blindness; It doesn't matter if im happy and stable these small habits that i could live by could in some cases not only save me money, but improve the world around me.

this is kind of an aside, but if you want to really understand the ways in which buying locally can help to save the planet, watch the movie "Manufactured Landscapes" this will give you an amazing view of what it takes to get products that are mass produced in other countries to use, and the amount of process that could be removed. and then combine the information there with the scientific info in the movie "An Inconvenient Truth" and you will really start to see how big a difference the tiny little things can make.

anyways other things that i seem to take for granted are issues of Global, Humanitarian, Social, and Personal significance (I know those categories cover just about all the bases) But think about things like starving children, aids issues in africa, mistreated youths in south east asia, homeless and sick people in central and south america... Not to mention the number of needy people right here in my city. Now in my position as a student, my monetary flow is not exactly conducive to large donations of money to aid organizations, but I still have that one little comfort now and then (ill admit once or twice a week) that i really don't need. and that 5 - 10$ would be FAR FAR better spent both balancing my budget and helping somebody else who needs it... and for what? not buying my lunch one day a week? not getting a pop every couple days? drinking less alcohol (i know how can i even think that)...

The most shocking thing to me is that i have always been one of the few people visible in my circles that really took these things into account... So if i am so prone to these unforgivable lapses of vision, these unreasonable times of personal greed - clamoring to make my life happier with a coke, or a cd that i buy on a whim - what does that say about others?!? Not to sounds at all preachy but THIS IS EVERYBODY'S PROBLEM, so im not the only person that need to remove the blinders on occasion. Think what a difference it would make if everybody didn't drink that pop every day, or didn't go out for lunch - how much money there would be free to help those in need. 10$ a week doest seem like a lot, but over a year thats about $500 dollars per person... now how many people are in your office, class, or apartment building? think what it would mean if just one day a week you decided to take the bus to your friends house and spare another 15 min of your day rather than drive, or even better ride your bike?!? again one person it may not seem like much... but how many people are there in your class, office, or building?!?

SO HERE IS MY DECLARATION:

-I will limit myself to 1 lunch and 1 treat per week, and put a calculated difference aside for both my own benefit and that of an(some) organization(s) that can use the money more effectively

-I will continue to limit my use of fossil fuels by rollar-blading, boarding, or biking where ever i can and using the bus other times.

-I will try to buy local and organic food rather than GMO's from the grocery store.

-I will improve the recycling in not only my own home but as best i can in my classes and at school.

While visiting my friend in Ontario I saw a commercial on TV talking about living a "greener" life and there was one very moving quote that i have to pass on as something to think about (both as the children of a previous generation and as the generation coming up to parent hood)

"Many people say we pass the earth on to our children, But Some say we borrow it from them."