im ready...

school starts tomorrow and i think im more prepared than i have been going into a new school year. well, sort of... i mean i am so disorganized when it comes to things like getting my books and supplies and the more material preparation but in my head.... i think im ready. I'm really hungry to get back at it, and really driven, its a confidence that i have not had all that often in my life and it feels great to have it. i had such a rocky summer and to come out at the end how i feel right now has shown me how much personal strength i can have when i need it the most. i dont want to sound like im cocky or over-confident or anything, because the strength i feel within myself is one of weakness too... i still feel so vulnerable and open to pain, but for one of the first times i am starting to understand how to use my pain and fear, to take it as a tool to push myself beyond a comfort zone. thats what i have been doing all summer long in my work for my student club, finding situations that are new and challenging and succeeding despite any initial fear. in my personal life, letting myself feel the pain and anger that i need to really look deeply at myself and push myself further, and again feeling some sort of success has helped to bolster my willingness to take on new things...

really thats the kind of self-consciousness that i have always tried for... and while i have begun to feel it i know that it is as tenuous as anything, so now the challenge is keeping this feeling of ability and using it even in the moments that i feel my weakest... and that is a challenge that i really am ready for...