And so i go...

well a week and a half in and i really feel proud of what ive done.

its been a long LONG time since ive really been able to say that, and it feels good. I have been able to fully commit to more than i would normally say im capable of, and some of the things that im taking on really are outside of my normal comfort zone.

Its really weird i think to the average person they would just read this and not really understand what this means for a person like me, who in the past, has been very hesitant and afraid of taking risks and even more afraid of the potential to fail at a task. So for me to be able to write those sentences above is really a big deal, its the first indication that i am actually pushing myself to be who i want to be, that i am becoming the individual that i want to be. Somebody who can challenge themselves and deal with the fear and anxiety that may come along with it...

it feels good.

im ready...

school starts tomorrow and i think im more prepared than i have been going into a new school year. well, sort of... i mean i am so disorganized when it comes to things like getting my books and supplies and the more material preparation but in my head.... i think im ready. I'm really hungry to get back at it, and really driven, its a confidence that i have not had all that often in my life and it feels great to have it. i had such a rocky summer and to come out at the end how i feel right now has shown me how much personal strength i can have when i need it the most. i dont want to sound like im cocky or over-confident or anything, because the strength i feel within myself is one of weakness too... i still feel so vulnerable and open to pain, but for one of the first times i am starting to understand how to use my pain and fear, to take it as a tool to push myself beyond a comfort zone. thats what i have been doing all summer long in my work for my student club, finding situations that are new and challenging and succeeding despite any initial fear. in my personal life, letting myself feel the pain and anger that i need to really look deeply at myself and push myself further, and again feeling some sort of success has helped to bolster my willingness to take on new things...

really thats the kind of self-consciousness that i have always tried for... and while i have begun to feel it i know that it is as tenuous as anything, so now the challenge is keeping this feeling of ability and using it even in the moments that i feel my weakest... and that is a challenge that i really am ready for...