when does it stop?

what is the answer?

hows that for a bold opening question... but its the one that has been weighing on my mind. everyday i can name more injustices than reasons to continue, and everyday i question the very purpose of me... what am i here for?

i see people of tremendous faith and i have one overwhelming sentiment towards them: jealousy. it sounds silly, but for once in my life i want something that i can be blindly certain of. i want to be able to say that without the convincing evidence t the contrary i believe in something profound and meaningful. i have had faith before, only to see it broken... i have had love to see it torn away, friends to watch them fade and lose themselves, family to break and leave and die... i guess my struggle is as basic as anybodies when they are faced with mortality, morality, love... life.

i just wish that i could stop wondering.

everyday i see so many things that i wish i didnt; poverty, famine, destruction, anger and fear. people acting and living in our society that are so rash and so blind. it starts to creep into every thought and every emotion. how long can we live like this? do we really need to continue consuming and plundering for our own personal gain... i understand the feeling of comfort, i cannot complain about my life, i have never been privileged per-say... but i have definitely not been on the other extreme. but seeing the way that people think about our society and our world scares me, will we just continue to destroy our planet and each other until we cannot survive any longer? we enjoy so much technology and so much progress, but for what? our average life span currently sits in the 75 year range and i have to ask the question; do we really need to advance our society so much that we need more than 75 years? we can cure most diseases or at least treat them with almost certain effectiveness, we can communicate with those that we need and love no matter where they are, we can put more food on our tables than we need... so why cant everybody?

think about this: 50,000 dollars can buy a tractor and plow for a village in Africa so that they can farm more effectively and feed themselves. $15,000 can buy a village (or two) a well of clean drinking water... and we have to buy two $45,000 SUV's (per house) that pollute more, rather than the $20,000 fuel efficient car. and why, because its popular and makes us feel good. simple math time, $90k (2 suv's) - $40k (2 compact cars)... hell lets make it 1 20k car and a $250 bicycle... the difference:

$69,750

what is going to make you feel better? two SUV's... or a car, a bike and giving a village clean water and the ability to feed themselves - hell you will still have a little money left over to send your kids to college... or better yet give to a homeless shelter, invest in an environmental initiative...

i guess the world is making me more jaded, but at the moment i dont see much to have faith in... considering most driveways in my city have two SUV's in them.