im sick right now :( im trying to sleep through a fever of 38.9 (102) but its not working, i cant quite get comfortable. ill spare you the gross details but i have been on my couch, on the bathroom floor and in my bed, and yet this damn thing is keeping me awake. And its moments like this (when im sick) that i start to remember how much life can change, and how ready and adaptive we have to be. i got some encouraging words the other day from a distant friend reminding me that part of getting through life is embracing it and loving it. tonight is reminding me of one moment that forced me to remember this.
just under two years ago, after i first moved out i got quite sick, much like i feel tonight (this morning). and it was in that moment that i realized what life is like when you are alone. sitting on the bathroom floor my head in my hands and shaking from the cold sweat of my fever, i was forced to realize that i am the only one who will take care of me. it was a very humbling and frightening experience, not because i was sick, but because i was forced to face it alone.
i guess its almost poetic that i have a night that reminds me of that, just when i am really starting to get anxious about life.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
my old habits...
i hate the way i interact with the world. im more and more frustrated with the way that i live my life, and not like im fake, or a jerk, or somebody who just blindly follows societies standard, but the way that i hide. i guess you could look at the fact that i am writing about this in a blog (probably one of the most detached - and there for current forms of communication) and say that i am right along with the way the world is... i dunno...
the other day there was a weird moment, and one that i have been terrified of: i couldnt walk into a room. i was attending a retirement party for somebody at the university that i have been working with in fairly close proximity, i could was so uncomfortable that i could not stay. its something that i thought was gone, my anxious uncertain attitude towards social situations. i mean something like that never goes away but you can get to a point where you can control it, and i thought i had... and then thursday comes and the closest that i could come to being in the room was twenty feet down the hall in the computer lab across from the party. i had people saying that they were going to make reference to me and thank me for my contribution to the event, and that they wanted me there when they did. and so i went back into the room... for a whole five seconds before running away again... it absurd, i am a recognized person within the room, people know who i am, why i am there, etc... and i hide in front of a computer screen within earshot so that i can slip in to be acknowledged by this person speech and then slip back out.
i just started to realize that i am so detached... i was never that attached to start with, so i shouldnt be so surprised, because i had my family and that was enough, but now i dont really have them. and yeah with my use of blogs, e-mail and the ever evil facebook i have my e-relationship to the world, but i am starting to be annoyed by it all. i am getting fed up with the way that we in the "age of communication" relate to each other, and how we somehow think its a worthy replacement for a hug, a cup of coffee and a conversation. i know its making me lonely... i guess i should say again; since the last time i couldnt walk into a room.
the other day there was a weird moment, and one that i have been terrified of: i couldnt walk into a room. i was attending a retirement party for somebody at the university that i have been working with in fairly close proximity, i could was so uncomfortable that i could not stay. its something that i thought was gone, my anxious uncertain attitude towards social situations. i mean something like that never goes away but you can get to a point where you can control it, and i thought i had... and then thursday comes and the closest that i could come to being in the room was twenty feet down the hall in the computer lab across from the party. i had people saying that they were going to make reference to me and thank me for my contribution to the event, and that they wanted me there when they did. and so i went back into the room... for a whole five seconds before running away again... it absurd, i am a recognized person within the room, people know who i am, why i am there, etc... and i hide in front of a computer screen within earshot so that i can slip in to be acknowledged by this person speech and then slip back out.
i just started to realize that i am so detached... i was never that attached to start with, so i shouldnt be so surprised, because i had my family and that was enough, but now i dont really have them. and yeah with my use of blogs, e-mail and the ever evil facebook i have my e-relationship to the world, but i am starting to be annoyed by it all. i am getting fed up with the way that we in the "age of communication" relate to each other, and how we somehow think its a worthy replacement for a hug, a cup of coffee and a conversation. i know its making me lonely... i guess i should say again; since the last time i couldnt walk into a room.
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