i dont get me...

i know that im an emotional person, and as much as i try to hide it there are some days that just turn me inside out. its like every little thing suddenly has the emotional impact of a major life changing event... i have had days where a Tim Horton's commercial made me cry... today felt like one of those days.

i didn't actually cry over a Timmy Ho's moment, but i just kept getting choked over of silly shit. i don't get where it comes form, i mean like i said i am emotional person but why the hell do i spike from time to time?!? i know the obvious joke is that im a girl, or im pms-ing or something... but last time i check neither of those are true. the most annoying thing is i don't trust myself with anything on this kind of day, i tend to shut in and hide for the sake of not taking my shaken unstable sentiment out into the real world. So things that i mean to do, or should do get ignored...

i also cant express myself very well on these days, i've been having that problem a lot recently...

My act

Why is it so hard for me? I don't get it... its like i am incapable of doing more than 2, maybe 3 things at a time. But i have so many balls in the air that i just seem to keep forgetting to catch some. friends, work, moving, school, vsus, my art... etc... and every time i feel like something is going well i realize that i've dropped something else and its rolling away across the floor. and please don't point out that i'm trying to balance on teeter-totter of emotional (in)stability, because i already know. This feels like such an angst filled post but i don't know what more to say then that... maybe when i've relaxed a little and everything doesn't feel so distant ill have a little more to say.

A little more comfort?!?

i've decided that as terrible as it is; one of the most amazing times of life can be right after a break-up... do i have your eye-brows raised?!? :) but seriously if i look at my life i start to see trends, things that i have touched on briefly in my last couple posts, but in retrospect it is more and more obvious to me that the periods of the most personal growth and gain happen in those times when i am looking for who i am. i mean when you say it in a sentence like that it sounds really logical, and i guess it is, but its not a truth that you really want to acknowledge right? who wants to think that the most important times for them as an individual are the times when they feel lost and/miserable - NOBODY! i suppose that more than anything im starting to realize that is that same sense of purpose and understanding i have trough the hard times that i really need to carry across into the "good times". like i said in my last entry; i use relationships as a crutch to hobble past my problems and other times as a blindfold to ignore them...

this really makes me sound like i abuse my relationships and the people that they are with, and i have to say that is not true... i commit myself 100%, the problem is i start to forget myself - and THAT is my biggest problem. which in turn leads to more problems like letting myself get comfortable, losing imagination, losing interest, etc... and its those things that in the past have put the most strain on my relationships. its those things that i most want to get past.

all that being said, i am coming out of the "rough" portion of the last break-down and starting to be able to truly understand who i am, and who i need to stay if im going to be more successful both for myself professionally and scholastically. but most importantly not to lose sight of who i am just because i start to fall for somebody.

i hate to leave this entry on this note because i feel that ive made myself appear a lot less stable than i am, but i dont have anymore to say. im coming along, i will never totally stop being me, and i will never stop evolving and im finally getting comfortable with that reality.