im using me...

i havnt felt like myself recently... its just this last week - thinking about various things - that ive started to figure out exactly why. looking over some of my old blogs, and then thinking my way through lonely nights and heart wrentching e-mails has really started to help me realize *deep breath*... that ive had a tough year. losing people important to me, saying goodbye to others that i wasnt ready to have leave, starting a voyage in life that i will never be really ready for...

in an e-mail i received in the last few weeks ago my ex challenged me; saying that i never talk about my goals and ambitions, goals and ambitions that i thought were clear through my actions and personality. thinking about that more, im ok with it. because in looking at myself i realized exactly what my goals in life are and started to understand that my actions are my way of talking about them. i dont need to go around proclaiming things that i think should be visible enough through what i do. the only thing that i can fault myself with was called out into the open by the same person; she confronted me one day saying that i dont trust my own skill and get discouraged too easily... after reflecting on these two very critical understandings, things that ive had to battle to see over the last year, ive started to look at my own actions over the last year.

in one of my classes this year we had a guest lecturer, an artist named Micah Lexier. during his lecture he said something to us that im really starting to appreciate; he said not to ignore the things that we think about now, not to discount the ideas that we explore with our art during school - because eventually we will start to think about them again. it may be from a different perspective, a more informed and wiser position that we approach these subjects in the future, but they will return. and thinking about the things that i have done this year im starting to notice a trend, a reoccuring theme in my work - identity. i know it sounds broad so ill try and bring it into a more specific area - everything that i have really had my heart behind this year, has had some tie to understanding yourself, understanding the surrounding people and places or understanding your emotions and actions.

one of the things that has really started to become evident for me is that over the last year i didnt put enough faith behind my own personal strength, my own artistic talent or my interpersonal skill. in a year where i am now seeing how much i could have grown as my own individual person, im starting to see how much i hid behind relationships and used them almost as a crutch for my weaker moments. i should not see the person that i am dating to be a part of me, that is until i am strong as my own individual and prepared to say "i do". and its funny that i didnt start to pick up on that earlier, most of my projects over the year reflected a high importance on taking the time to understand yourself, and get to know yourself... something i never did...